paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
They took my balls.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
