The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
