She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
