I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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