I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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