If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
