Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
