i already hear my dad disowning me
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
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