i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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