she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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