I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
