Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Text me some of your sweat
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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