If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
