Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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