She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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