I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
