I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
