I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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