It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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