I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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