dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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