I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
