I looked at my own cervix.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
