You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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