I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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