My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
