I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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