so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Ketchup is God's man juice
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
