Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize