i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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