this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
