shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
