i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize