I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
