i may or may not be watching the land before time
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
