you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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