you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
