At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
