Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
