seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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