Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize