Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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