I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
