they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I want her autograph on my taint
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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