know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
