i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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