You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
