yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
