I think I died a long time ago.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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