why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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