i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
