So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
