conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
we're making bets on your personal life
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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