Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
