Moan for me like Helen Keller
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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