Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
