Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
