saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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